That Week in May

Last date before wedding

I may be in my feelings the next few days. And one thing I will stand by is that’s ok. Tomorrow is the anniversary of Stephens death. The next day is when I found out and three days later should have been our wedding anniversary. It’s only natural that this is not my favorite week of the year.

Fun cups we carried that week

I know people have feelings about what I do and do not post. About what any widowed person may post. Especially after they find love again. So please read on. Please understand that every widowed person handles these feelings and dates different. For me, writing things out helps. It helps me sort out my words so I can sort out my feelings. If helps me give a voice to widowed people who feel like they can’t speak because they are told they shouldn’t. That people don’t want to see a dad post. The world complains about how social media only showing the highlights and then get mad at people and tell them what they shouldn’t post when they get real. But my mission is to show widowhood for what it is. That life after loss is a balance. Yes we can move forward. Yes we can find love. We can rebuild our lives. And at the same time we can still miss what we had. The two feelings aren’t mutually exclusive. I can be totally in love with the husband I have now and yet at the same time miss the one I lost. The heart grows to let in new love without needing to erase the old one. If you can’t understand that I am so so very happy for you. Because these mixed feelings are anything but easy. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Please don’t be that person who needs to remind me that I have Jonathan. Believe me I know that. And I am so blessed in that way. But he didn’t erase Stephen. As hard as it may be to understand I do love them both. My heart grew. But that didn’t stop me having feelings on days like the next few days will be.

1yr anniversary trip

Jonathan Sterling thank you. Thank you for giving me a hug on your way to bed. For seeing that I had tears in my eyes and knowing I needed a hug. Thank you for the space you will give me over the next few days. That you love me enough to know what I need on days that are harder. You need me next to you on hard days. To not feel alone. But you know I need space and you give it to me. You let me cry and remind me that it’s ok. Before you went to bed tonight you reminded me it was ok to be sad. It was ok to cry. It was ok for me to have feelings. And that I didn’t need to hide that from you. Because you love me. And you do. You truly do. You are an amazing partner. Your love isn’t conditional on me never having bad moments. You have never told me to talk to anyone but you about this. You encourage me to let it out. Reminding me that you will always be here for me. As my teammate and partner and love. And I thank you for that. For doing what I need when I feel broken. And for letting me know what you need when you have a hard moment. I truly believe that Stephen and Bethany had a hand in us meeting. Like they knew we could just be real with each other. And I’m so grateful.

1yr anniversary trip

Stephen. I love and miss you. Logan loves and misses you. You will never be forgotten. Even though Logan was to little to truly remember you he has my memories. He talks about you and yalls adventures all the time. He has made up an entire life with you on Cybertron. According to his therapist it’s natural and healthy. His way of loving and missing someone he never had the chance to know. You would be so proud of him. How well he is doing. How smart he is. How good of a big brother he is. How he even has love for Bethany. We wanted him to have a sibling. And he is so in love with his little brother. And he gets more and more like you every day. I will never have a day where I don’t talk to him about you. And when he gets older I will share our love story with him. I will always love and miss you. Thank you for picking me. For loving me. For marrying me and giving me Logan. For making me a mom. For showing me that even though we didn’t have the perfect marriage that it was possible to fix things that went wrong. For never giving up on me. For when we fixed problems and became a team. For being my person. And showing me what love looked like. If it hasn’t been for you I would not be the wife and mother I am today. You will always be a part of me. Always. You showed me so much. Taught me so much. About love. And I wouldn’t take a moment of it back. I just wish it hasn’t been cut so short. Tomorrow I’m going to have been your widow for longer than I got to be your wife. These are not easy feelings. But I am so grateful for the time I got to have with you. I miss and love you so much.

Last pic with Stephen and Logan

Thanks for anyone who read this. 🖤TWM

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