Logan has hit a phase that I am calling dada stories. This phase isn’t an easy one for me. You see he doesn’t have any memories of his own if his dad. He has what I have told him. He has pictures. But that’s it. So he is making up his own memories.
Just about daily right now I am heating about the house he lived in with Dada. Or when Dada took him to xyz place. How Dada taught him something or a talk they had. What Dada said he could or could not do or eat. These things are not easy to hear. And I smile and listen while wanting to cry.
I got worried. I didn’t know if this was healthy. The making up of stories. Logan goes to play therapy. So I told his therapist what was going on. That in the last few weeks there have been non stop Dada stories. According to the therapist this is ok, normal and even healthy. That this is how Logan is processing loving someone he can’t even remember.
I share what I can with Logan. And I know members of Stephens family tell him if his dad. I hope some day Stephens best friends will be around and share stories with him as well. I want him to see his dad through the eyes of different people. To be able to see parts of his dad I wasn’t there for, and this memories I don’t have to share with him.
And one day he will outgrow made up stories. As he hits different stages in life he will grieve and remember his dad in different ways. Ways that at times may hurt me. Just as when he told me he would never see his dad again because his dad was dead. No four year old should ever have to look up at his mama with tears in his eyes and say that sentence. And it broke my heart. Just as these made up stories do.
But I hug him. And I listen. I ask questions. Let him know he is loved and heard. And remind him that his dada loved him more than anything in the world. Knowing if this helps Logan process his loss than as his mother I am here to love and support him. Even when it breaks me a bit. It’s amazing how much pain a mothers heart can take. But there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my kids.
Logan if you ever read this please know I love you. Know that your Dada loves you. You have been and will always be loved. And I make it my mission to keep your dads memory alive for you. To make sure you know who he was and that you came from love. To share your dads story with you.