And so it happened. It felt like a knife stabbing me in the heart. But I put on a smile and hugged Logan tight as I explained that we couldn’t do what he wanted.
You see he started talking about pictures with Santa. He said he wanted Dada (Stephen) to be in the Santa pictures with him. He said we needed to heaven and pic up Dada so both Dada and Daddy and me and Tony could all be in a picture together with Santa.
These are the super hard moments.
These are the moments you can’t prepare for.
These are the moments that catch you off guard.
These are the moments where you smile when you want to cry.
Where you hug your child who wants their lost parent.
When they don’t understand why Dada can’t be there.
No amount of moving forward can stop these moments from happening. From hurting.
At four years old he shouldn’t have to understand death. I’ve explained why Dada is gone as best I can for his age. He knows dada got hurt by a car and now lives in heaven. But he doesn’t understand why he can’t call and visit his Dada. Why his Dada can’t visit him or come do things with us.
He loves and adore Jonathan. And I’m so glad he gets to have a dad. I am. But it doesn’t stop him from wondering about the dad he had that he wants to spend time with and can’t.
Last night came with a lot of feelings for me. There was a smile on my face while there was pain in my heart. But I hugged my little man and told him we would still do Santa photos, even if we couldn’t pic you Dada on the way. I let him know his Dada is always watching over him. We just can’t see him.
Sometimes being a mom hurts