My Moms Passing

I know I haven’t posted much in regards to my moms death. I don’t really know what to write. When moms cancer came back it came back strong. When they found it, it was at stage four and metastasized across several places in her body. Jonathan and I talked to her about moving our wedding and she said no. She would be fine. So we dropped it. But she never got better. Then when on the phone with her at the end of February I could hear in her voice that she wasn’t ok. She was telling me she was. But she wasn’t. I got off the phone with her and looked at Jonathan. We quickly agreed we needed to move the wedding. We set it for right under five weeks. We called mom to tell her and she cried. She said thank you. But also reminded us that really she would be fine. We started making phone calls and sending out messages that night. Letting guests and those we had hired know that the date had changed. Mom would tell me that she didn’t want me to be mad at her when she was just fine at our original wedding date. She was so sure she would be. I told her that I hoped she would be. But I thought it was still important to go ahead and change it. Just in case. The week before the wedding she was still telling me how excited she was. Making sure I liked the dress and shoes she was going to wear. When we changed it to her back yard she said thanks. She wasn’t going to be able to make the trip to our house. And I was more than happy to move it and bring it to her. She was going to sit in a wheelchair. Then she was going to stay in her bed and we were going to open the French doors in her room so she could watch from her bed. Two hours before the planned wedding time, while people were setting up her back yard for the wedding, she took her last breath. I paused, not knowing what to do. My grandmother told me we were going to still have the wedding. The wedding was later in the day because of what had happened. But it did go on. In my moms backyard. With my mom watching from heaven. My mom died about three hours before Jonathan and I married. I don’t really have the words for how I feel. The day had one of the worst moments of my life. Followed by one of the best. I think for the most part I am still in shock. If I’m honest I still haven’t even cried. I would start to cry before hand and stop myself. And now I’m mostly numb. I want to cry. I know I need to. And I will. When I’m ready. For now I think the numb shock is better. As my brain processes all of this.


#thatwidowedmom #lifeafterloss #missmymom