And Then My Heart Grew

When I married Stephen I couldn’t ever imagine loving anyone as much as I loved him. And then we had Logan. And my heart grew. It was a different kind of love. But just as strong. And again I couldn’t imagine ever loving someone else that much.

When Stephen was killed I was for sure that I would never have love again. Not with a partner and not another child. The second baby I longed for wasn’t going to happen. it would be just me and Logan. And I became ok with that.

Then I met Jonathan. A friendship and then a spark. And before I knew it my heart had grown again. I found my partner and mate and my two bonus kids. I never knew I could love so much. Could truly love so many people.

My heart still longed for that second baby I didn’t get to have before. So after we got engaged we started trying to get pregnant.

I was worried. What if my heart didn’t grow again. What if this idea of having another baby was stupid and I could never love this baby the way I wanted to. What if his birth didn’t being me joy and holding him while he slept didn’t fill me with this overwhelming feeling of love.

But my heart grew. Holding him is just as joyful as I had hoped it would be. I am so at peace just sitting here with him in my arms. These moments are everything to me. Jonathan offered to put him in his bed while I was pumping. He had fallen asleep nursing on me. I said no. Just hold him. When I’m done pumping I will put him in his bed.

The truth is I just wanted to hold him. To hear his little breaths and snores. Even in his sleep he knows when it’s me holding him. I think he can smell the milk. I’m his person. And he has my heart.

It’s amazing how our hearts work. How I can totally love someone with everything in me. And yet love someone else with everything in me. How my heart has grown to love each member of my family as they have come into my life.

I’m so thankful for this little baby boy. And that my heart grew.


#thatwidowedmom #lifeafterloss #tonydsterling

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