Middle of the Night

Sweet Dreams

Waking up in the middle of the night to nurse and pump may be one of the most exhausting parts of this time with a baby. But at the same time it is one of my favorite parts. At least when everyone is sleeping.

Tony woke up enough to nurse and then started a dream feed. When he was done I was able to go i to the living room and pump a bit. My pump session stopped when I heard him cry. His paci had come out and that upset him. Though didn’t fully wake him so he was good the moment I put it back in.

Right now I’m laying between the two boys. Tony in the bassinet on one side and Logan snoring right next to be on the other side. It’s very peaceful in this moment. Bedtime wasn’t so peaceful. Logan took over and hour to fall asleep. And his non stop talking and “mama I want…” woke up Tony who I had to get back to sleep. It was so very frustrating. And yet now that moment that made me want to cry seems like nothing. Because they are both peacefully sleeping.

I do a lot of thinking in the middle of the night. It’s the only time I have to be alone with my thoughts. My heart goes out to Jonathan. Today starts a not so great few weeks. Two years ago is when Bethany went to sleep and never woke back up. Leading to the two year mark of her passing in a couple of weeks. I know he is sad right now. And with him out of town for work there is nothing I can do to help. Normally he likes company on his harder days. And I can’t offer that when he is not even here.

I also have some memories. But not bad ones. This is the time of year Stephen and I would be doing the golfers against cancer stuff. So yesterday’s memories had a pic of me and Stephen at the dinner we went to every year. It’s a beautiful picture. His smile was great. And I miss it. I miss him. But it’s nice to sit here for a min and think about those memories. To let myself feel it for a bit.

To look up and tell them that we miss them. To know we have so many memories. Happy and stressful times. And we do our best to not let the not so good parts overwhelm us. We don’t focus on our loss. But we do have moments where we can’t avoid thinking about it. So we support each other in those moments. As best as we can anyway.

Ok. Time to try to get some sleep before Tony wakes and wants more mama milk.

Good night and sweet dreams world. See you in the morning.


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