Always His Mama

Two years and a half years and three days ago sounds like a long time. But it also can feel like yesterday. It’s amazing how such a normal day can change so quickly. How the next day you can find everything in your world changed.

Me and this little man have had a lot of change in the last two and a half years. We have had a lot to adjust to. There are all kinds of secondary losses when you lose a spouse. From your child’s parent, to finances to the person you talked to as you were falling asleep. And so much more. It’s unlike any other loss in these ways.

This little man and I had a lot to get used to. A lot of changes and adjustments. And in the process we gained a hugs bond. For a while it was just me and him. Even with help from others nothing was like having Stephen here. Like having my other half. And the person that loved Logan like I did. And Logan and I really leaned on each other.

Which I know sounds nuts. Who leans on a baby. The answer: every widowed person with kids. Not that we expect our children to help us. But more so because they become our reason for living. For getting out of bed. For even eating. Because we don’t do it for ourselves. I lived for Logan for the longest of time. And some days I think I still do.

Three days ago when I hit two and a half years I still cried. I didn’t fall apart. I didn’t lose it. But I had a moment. And that’s ok. Because no matter how much I have adjusted my heart still missed Stephen. And that’s ok.

Because I’m still living life. I’m trying to make Stephen proud. I’m living to show Logan love. Keeping his dads memory alive so he knows who his dad is. So he feels and know how much his dad and I love him. Because I do believe Stephen still loves us. And Logan gets the love of a mom and two dads. One here and one in heaven.

And as I’ve said Logan and I have a bond. Even with all the changes. With adding to our family. We are still bonded in a way I can’t explain. He is my person. And I am his. That’s why our Mama and Logan time the other night was so important. Because he and I both still need some time where it’s just me and him. Our hearts are big. And we have been able to have them grow and love more people as our family has expanded. But we still need moments where he gets some special time with just mama. One day he isn’t going to care so much for these times. He will be too old and cool for mama time. So I’ll take him wanting it while it happens. While he still craves time with just me.

Logan is such a great big brother. He is so in love with his little brother. Wants to give him all the hugs and kisses. And tried to help me and Jonathan with Tony. And it’s super cute. But even with all of that he said he needed some mama time. And he spent that time having fun and getting cuddles.

No matter how much changes in our lives a couple things will always be true. I’m his Mama. And he is the boy that made me a Mama. And I love him more than life itself.


#claylojr #thatwidowedmom #lifeafterloss #alwayshismama