As I feel Tony move around inside me my brain thinks of so many things. Is amazing how much I can feel him move. How ready my heart and arms are to hold him and smell that new baby smell. And that makes me smile.
My mind also drifts to my pregnancy with Logan. Which comes with such mixed emotions. The anticipation of bringing a baby into the world for the first time. How excited I was to have finally gotten pregnant. Trying so hard to eat healthy and workout to have a healthy pregnancy.
Getting the nursery ready for him. Picking the bumble bee theme because my favorite color is yellow and we had to pick something neutral because Stephen didn’t want to know the gender till the end. My anxiety going through the roof at the end. Worried I might forget something we needed to do before he was here. Stephen and I asking Logan to please be late as the hurricane came and made it impossible to leave our home at his due date. Being thankful that he listened and was 6 days late.
The trauma of his birth. Being scared. So very scared. Having no control over what was going on. Seeing them rush by me with a blue baby because he wasn’t breathing. And feeling relief when they cleared his airway and finally let me hold him. Before I had to go back under. My bodies reaction to labor and surgery. And having to be separated from my baby because while he was fine and released from the hospital I wasn’t.
I remember asking my doctor if I was dying. I remember crying and being in more pain then I though possible. Wondering why people say labor hurts when pain like what I had was soooo much worse. Grabbing onto Stephen as I screamed out in pain the day before my mom came to get Logan from the hospital because he didn’t need to stay up there with us with everything going on.
I was laying in bed next to Jonathan and my brain had wondered to my hospital stay. I told him I couldn’t always shake those memories. That when my brain goes there I can feel the sadness I had in those weeks. I can smell the room and the tubes. Almost as if I was there again. Feel the pain of being stuck with yet another needle as my veins kept collapsing and they kept having to do new IVs.
That as excite as I am there is also fear. We scheduled the c section to eliminate the complications of the 30+ hr labor. To lesson that trauma part on my body. With hopes that without those complications maybe the rest will go better and my body will not start trying to shut down again. But there is still no guarantee. My OB has a surgeon on stand by just in case. We have fail safes set up. Thus the trying to have a plan.
And while I’m not overwhelmingly afraid or anything it doesn’t mean I don’t have any feelings. I’m excited while also hesitant. I’m ready to meet this little love that has been growing inside me. But also trying to hold back tears when my mind drifts to the fear I had before. I’m ready to be there and holding my new little love. But don’t want the smell of a hospital room ever again in my life.
There is this huge event that’s about to happen in my life and Stephen isn’t here for it. That alone comes with such strange feelings. Mixed emotions. I want to text my nephews and niece and say another Long is here! But I can’t. Because this baby isn’t going to be a Long. I mean he will be their family. Because he is my son and I am their family. But he will not hold their last name. My last name. Logans last name. It’s amazing how attached I am to that last name.
Tony will be a Sterling. And that is great. I love his dad. We tried for him and now we are having him. And I’m so thrilled about that. It’s so strange to be so thrilled and yet sad at the same time. The mixed emotions of widowed life are so strange. You almost feel like two different people. With two different sets of thoughts and feelings on most topics.
My perspective on family life is different then it was before. I didn’t want what I had growing up. I wanted a mom and dad and kids from the same parents. And for a minute I had that. Before it was ripped from me. And now I have a mom and dad and kid again. But unlike other families there is no other parents in the picture. We don’t deal with exes and baby mama/daddy drama. Bethany and Stephen sit on our counter. Silently supporting us. Watching over our beautiful blended family as it grows.
I hope they are with us during Tony’s birth. I know some people may think that’s strange. But I truly hope they are there. Watching over me and Jonathan and the baby. Cheering us on and helping in some way. At least to bring us comfort. Stephen was my strength when everything went so wrong with Logans birth. It’s hard to fully grasp the idea that he will not physically be here for this birth. But I do truly think that they had a hand in me and Jonathan meeting. And Jonathan will be by my side. Holding my hand and being my strength when I’m afraid. And I hope Bethany is bringing him comfort for his fears. In my head I picture them standing next to us, praying for us as we do this.
Anyway, I know it’s a lot of rambling. I haven’t fully been able to find the words for the feelings I have felt in the last while. Knowing every mom thinks of her other births when she brings a new child into the world. And like me some had traumatic births that lead to mixed feelings of joy and worry.
I have mostly made the choice to focus on the joy. To plan for the worst but hope and pray for the best. And to chose to believe that we have our two people standing by praying for us as we take this huge step.
?TWM
#thatwidowedlife #lifeafterloss #movingforward #mixedemotions #longsterling