A Difference Two Years Can Make

Two years has seen a big change in my life. On this day two years ago I woke up at my moms house because I had taken her home the night before. I got home to find out my world had crashed down.

I’ve been thinking about starting a blog for a while. It’s no secret that a huge part of who I am is being a mom and being a widow. Yes there is more to me. But let’s face it….those are a huge part of my identity. And I’m good with that.

Becoming a mom is the best thing that ever happen in my life. I never thought I would really get to have kids. And when I found out I was pregnant I was so so so happy. Being Logans mom is everything I’ve always wanted.

Becoming a widow in my mid 30s. Well that happened. The rug was pulled from under me. And there was nothing I could do about it. It changed me as a person. It changed me as a friend, as a mom. Everything. A huge part of me died that day with my husband.

I find solace in writing. It helps me keep my thoughts in order. And I hope helps others that are in my shoes and might find it difficult to put words to feelings. It helps me process.

So this will be my first post. I’ll copy and paste my post from two years ago. There wasn’t much emotion to that post there couldn’t be. I was in shock. I just kept hearing times in my head. So that’s what I posted as my first steps into this widow journey.

I have better words now. My goal is to be transparent. To let others see what it’s really like being a widow. But to also show that there is more than just the grief. Because I’m still Logans mom. A badge I will always hold with pride. I love being referred to as “that mom”. I don’t find it an insult. I think it’s great. People clearly see just how much I am trying to be everything Logan needs. And I’m also ok with posting the not so glamorous moments.

So my goal for this blog is to be open. Honest. Transparent. To show the good and the bad. The funny and the sad. To show when I over plan and when I’m just winging it.

I hope people follow me and enjoy.

Below is a copy of my post from two years ago. So much has changed since then….

At 1130 lastnight I called my husband and told him my moms car was dead and he suggest I take her home and we stay the night there and fix it in the morning. He was on his way home from work.

At 8am this morning I woke up and saw that my security system told me I missed my door bell being rang. The video footage was police ringing the bell and knocking on the door. The time stamp said the alarm had been set 21hrs before that. My husband never got home

At 1030 I got to my house and there were three cop cars at my house and I was asked to go inside and have a seat.

Last night at 1145 a drunk driver was driving at high speeds and ran right into a car sitting at a red light. The F150 flipped over the small soft top convertible instantly killing the driver.

At 1035 today I got told I’ve lost my husband and my son has lost his father.

Our lives will never be the same. My son will never remember his dad. Our four year wedding anniversary is Tuesday. And he will never have his first Father’s Day.

There are no words right now.