This is something that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about. People often ask what to do when they know someone who is grieving. The reality is that sometimes you just have to let them just be there. As much as you may want to you can’t fix someone’s grief.
I know when I lost Stephen lots of people wanted to help. And people wanted me to tell them what I needed. But the honest truth was that I didn’t have a clue what I needed. How could I? I had just lost my husband and was in shock. I had no clue what I needed. I didn’t even know how I was able to be physically breathing at that moment. I literally fell to the ground when I got the news. My legs were not working. So my brain for sure wasn’t.
There were some ways that really helped. When my phone rang my mom answered it. I had sent out a few text for people to call me. But I couldn’t answer the phone to tell people why. I couldn’t get the words out. So my mom doing that for me helped a lot. I think the only person I said it to was Stephens best friend and I was on the floor in my doorway screaming. I still don’t remember if he called me or I called him. I just remember telling him there were cops and they said Stephen was dead. I truly don’t remember too much more than that. My mom did all of the other calls. I could hear my friends and family and Stephens friends and family screaming and crying on the phone. I just couldn’t process it.
I remember Stephens nephews asking what I needed and I asked them to get Stephens other car out of my driveway. I didn’t want to walk out of my house and see it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I don’t know where the keys were. I didn’t care. I just needed it gone. They got it gone before I ever had to see it.
A coworkers amazing wife cooked us some food. She made everything in oven ready containers and had instructions on it so all I had to do was heat the food. She didn’t ask first. She just cooked and brought me food. I mean she asked about what we eat. But she didn’t ask if she could cook. She just did it.
Stephens best friend and his wife helped a crap ton. With the funeral, with changing over financial stuff. Jerry helped me create list of what needed to be done and came over regularly to help me check things off my list. Went to that bank with me. Made phone calls getting things changed to my name. Encouraged me as I made phone calls.
My best friend, Michelle, went to the store and filled my anxiety meds. She had asked me if I still had any and knew where they were. But I had stopped taking them after I had Logan so I had no clue where they were. She went to the store and had it refilled and brought it to me. No question about if she should. She just did it.
My mom and Lacy helped with Logan. As a mom this was vital. If you want to helped a newly widowed parent watch the kids. Even if just for an afternoon. Having to take care of a baby when everything has just fallen apart. I don’t even have the words. I wasn’t functioning. I wasn’t taking care of myself. Having people help with Logan was so very important. It was weeks before anyone left me home alone. It took a couple weeks before I could feed Logan without crying my eyes out. So pumping and having someone else feed him was helpful.
Understand that doing all these wonderful things is helpful. But they still don’t solve the grief. No one can do that. Don’t judge a widowed person for how they grieve. Don’t make them feel bad for crying or not crying. For acting out. For eating and drinking. Or for not eating. For when or how well they sleep. Grief isn’t like they show in most movies or tv shows. It isn’t three days in bed and then you feel better. It can be a year or more in a complete fog. It can be over two years later and you still have moments where your brain forgets and then remembers again.
Don’t expect a recently widowed person to say they need or want you. Or anything for that matter. I know at that time when people were asking if I needed them I couldn’t just say yes. All my brain was thinking was I need my husband. All I wanted was my husband. So I wasn’t about to tell someone I needed them. What I needed was grace to not have to say what I needed. What I needed was to be able to cry without making others cry. What I needed was to go to sleep and not think. What I needed was to rock Logan to sleep and sit there holding him while I cried. What I needed was to sit on the couch and watch TV with someone on the other side of the couch. Not touching me. Not talking to me. Just sitting there. So I wasn’t alone.
What most people need is to not feel alone. And even in a room of people we will. Because our person isn’t there. And that’s the only person we want right then. And we will never have them again. But having someone sit there is good. Letting us feel our pain without having to fix it. Without trying to distract them. To just let a person be.
Bring them food without asking. Watch their kids without them having to ask. Just sit there with them. Silently. Not needing to fix it. Because you can’t. Just do things. Because I promise that they don’t know what they need. Just hang out in the pain. Let them be sad. This is how you help a widowed person.
?TWM
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