Say their name. It’s that simple. There are differing thoughts on this. Some of which make me smile and others that make me sad.
If you have kids say their parents name. They need to hear it. They need to know about the parent they lost. They need to know their parent isn’t forgotten.
The in-laws need to hear their name. They want to know that their loved one wasn’t forgotten. They need to be able to talk and tell stories. And there isn’t a time frame on this.
The widow/er wants to hear their late spouses name. They want to know their marriage wasn’t just a dream. They want to know that the person they love matter to more than just them.
Saying their name doesn’t mean a person is stuck. It doesn’t mean they haven’t figured out how to live their life. It doesn’t mean they aren’t moving forward in life. It doesn’t mean they don’t love the new person in their life (if they are dating).
Erasing a persons past isn’t a sign of love and caring. If anything it is a sign of heartlessness. A person can love, honor and value their past while living in the here and now. People do it every day.
Those that are dating widow/ers please know that the mention of the late spouse isn’t putting you 2nd. Doesn’t have to be comparing. Doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. They have a past. A past that made them the person they are today. And if you love them do so all the way. All of them. Including their past.
For the friends and family of the widow/er please don’t shy away from saying their spouses name. We want you to talk about them. Your talking about them isn’t a reminder that they are gone. We already know they are. You aren’t hurting us by bringing them up. You might be hurting us by not bringing them up. I’ve seen more wids than I can say upset because people don’t bring up their late spouse. Wids that have hard days and when those days come no one acknowledges their late spouse and it just makes the pain that much more.
It’s not that widow/ers need people to talk about the late spouse all the time. We do in fact want to live in the moment. But we do want them brought up every now and again. To not have the subject taboo. I see these types of stories every day. And I wish I could hug each and every one of them.
I’ll share two examples. I have my boyfriend. We were outside talking with neighbors. Just chit chatting. One of the neighbors comment on something about Logan and I said how Logan is more and more like Stephen every day. Her eyes got big and she quickly looked over at Jonathan. I know that she was wondering if my mention of Stephen would somehow upset Jonathan. It didn’t. Jonathan truly loves me. And in that he isn’t threatened or made insecure by comments about Stephen and how much Logan is like his dad. He understands that a comment isn’t a comparison or some type of dig on him. He knows that just because the comment about Stephen crosses my mind doesn’t mean I am some how not in love with him. He gets that I love them both.
My second example is slightly more painful. It isn’t about people who wonder about if it’s ok to say Stephens name. It’s about friends that will not say Stephens name. Those friends that more or less pretend Stephen never existed. I don’t call these people out. Because I don’t even know if they know they are doing it. But they haven’t talked about my husband in two years. And when I bring up Stephen they quickly change the subject. The avoidance of his name, the changing of the subject. It hurts. It makes me feel like people don’t care about a person who was so very important to me. The father of my child.
These are issues I see every day. Widow/ers are expected to practically erase their late spouse. To pretend their past didn’t happen. I’ve read a book that says widow/ers should edit all their stories to take out their late spouse. So instead of saying “when Stephen and I went to Hawaii” I should instead say “when I went to Hawaii” and basically pretend Stephen was not ever a central part of my life. That somehow my being ready to dates means I pretend my sons dad wasn’t a huge part of my life. I can not and will not do that.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about love. And what love is. And while I will not quote the entire thing I will say this: love is kind and it is not jealous. For me to truly love Jonathan I can not be threatened by his late wife. For him to love me he can’t be insecure about my late husband. Those things are not a part of love. Instead to show love we show each other kindness. We are not self seeking (demanding) and we do not keep a record of each others wrongs. We are not perfect but we show each other love and respect.
A huge part of showing a widowed person love and respect is to respect the late spouse. To recount stories. To say their name.
đź–¤TWM
#thatwidowedmom #saytheirname #lifeafterloss
I respect your personal feelings on this matter but Stephen wasn’t just your husband and the father of your child. He was a son, likely a brother, and a friend to many. A lot of people lost him and each person gets to say how they deal with their personal grief. If someone doesn’t want to say his name, they should be respected. And as much as I’m sure it’s devastating to lose a spouse, how much more painful is it for a mother to lose her child? Others shouldn’t have to say his name because you want to hear it; their pain is important, too. I am fine hearing and saying the name of my widowers late wife within reason. However, when we started dating, her name came up a LOT for a long time. He was still thinking of himself as very much still married to her. He was still actively grieving her. When he said “we” he meant him and the LW despite professing his love to me and speaking of marriage to me. One could understand if only 4 years later he still felt very much married to her but he had no business making himself available for a new relationship to receive the companionship and physical comforts that his late wife could no longer provide. I had every reason to expect a true relationship – a 1:1 relationship. I would never expect my W to forget his late wife, but I do expect to have a partner to has properly processed his grief and can remain present in our relationship. I will understand when he gets ambushed by memories or emotions, but I fully expect him to not wallow or disappear from our relationship to commemorate another woman. She enjoyed his full attention and devotion while she was live. I am worthy of the same full attention and devotion.
You are right. Stephen wasn’t just my husband. And I have never said as much. I am lucky to be very close to Stephens family and we can and have openly talked about him and our different grief journeys. Without ever comparing the loss. My mil and I haven’t always gotten along. But I will say we have gotten really close in the last couple of years. She has lost both a husband and a child. And not once has she acted like my grief isn’t real and valid. If anything she has comforted me with how she handled the loss of her husband. And she said said she didn’t know how she would handle doing what I have done in that I had a baby to take care of. Not once has she told me that losing a child was harder for her then losing her husband. We don’t compare our grief. I could only imagine how heartbreaking it is to lose a child. No mother should see the day her child dies. It’s just wrong. And I have held her as she has cried. We both lost an amazing man and neither of us fault the other for our grief. Stephens mother and family and friends say his name all the time. They want to talk about him because the love and miss him. He was such a big personality and there are lots of people that miss him dearly. My mil and my fiancé have talked about my late husband a lot. Both of them were care takers if their sick and dying late spouses and that has given them something in common that they have bonded over. Taking care of your spouse as they die isn’t easy. I met my mil soon after her husband passed when my late husband and I started dating. And I try my hardest to say happy anniversary to her when it’s their anniversary and listen to her when she talks about old memories. She has started teaching my toddler about his grandfather. At the moment my toddler wants to be a doctor because his grandpa was one. A man he will never meet. But I think it’s super cute.
I am so sorry your husbands late wife came up to the point of causing you pain. That isn’t ok. There for sure needs to be a balance between talking about someone all the time and never saying their name at all. And I hope that balance has been found for y’all. You are right. We should not live in the past. And there are ways to live in today with full attention on the relationship we have now and still have respect for the past. And yes moments happen. But it’s so amazing when we have support in those moments. For me I have found that having that support makes the moment pass by much faster and we are able to get right back in the living for today part. Wallowing happens a lot at first. Sure. But yes over time it shouldn’t. And I’m glad y’all have gotten to that point. And you are absolutely worthy of full attention and devotion.