This is an odd one for me. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Hands down. Hard to guess with how much I love Halloween lol. But really all my life I’ve been all about Christmas.
Even as a child I had a Christmas tree in my room. At least in middle school. And when I couldn’t have a tree I strung lights in my room. My room said Christmas as often as I could have it.
I’ve seen many times about the question of when you feel like you have made it in life. My answer has always been the same. For me, I wanted the “Mall Tree”. You know it. Talk, fluff, everything matches and is in the perfect place. I always wanted that tree.
My first Christmas living in Stephens home he got to see my favorite day of the year for the first time. My favorite day of the year isn’t Christmas. It’s the day I decorate for Christmas. The day Stephen and I planned for that he took me to the store and told me to pick out anything I wanted. He let me look at he had first so I could see what I needed. Other than my wedding day and the birth of my children, that first decorated for Christmas with Stephen was the best day of my life. A huge step to my mall tree.
This year Jonathan got me a 9ft Pre-lit tree. It’s huge. I’ve posted a pic of it. It isn’t decorated. I haven’t had mine decorate for Christmas Day yet this year. I’ve struggled with doing that day since Stephens death. And that’s ok. Because this year that’s not my focus. This year my focus is Santa.
You see, Logan is 3. This is the first year he understands Santa. There are only so many years where they believe in Santa. And I want to focus on that. And yet, I don’t know how. You see, I didn’t grow up with Santa. I’m not sad or bitter. Or have any ill feelings about it. My mom simply didn’t want to feel like she was lying to her children. And I can respect that. I’ve honestly always been ok with the idea that she didn’t do these types of things. I can take contention with some things (as I’m sure everyone can with their parents), but this isn’t one of them. I get it. And I don’t feel like I was missing anything because of this as a child.
But I want to do Santa with Logan and Tony. Stephen and I had a deal. Because I knew nothing about Santa (other than he wasn’t real) I didn’t know how to do the Santa thing. How would I. But I wanted Logan to have a magical Christmas (while still teaching him about the religious stuff). It was Stephens job to take care of Santa. Not mine. And now I have two babies I want to do Santa with. And two teens that already know Santa isn’t real. And a fiancé that grew up with no holidays and never did Santa himself. He and Bethany did it with the teens. But she ran the ship because she knew he didn’t know as he didn’t grow up with Santa.
Fun right. Two living parents that know nothing about Santa. And yet we are going to try to make Santa real to two little kids. This year is Logans first real year of Santa. And we will make it work. We have that stupid elf. I got it last year. But this year he was old enough to better understand it.
I hope we can make Christmas magical for Logan and for Tony when he is old enough.
?TWM
#thatwidowedmom #lifeafterloss #santa