Three years ago on this date I was still in the hospital after my body didn’t agree with Logans birth. My mom was staying at my house with Logan and Stephen was staying at the hospital with me. He was bringing Logan up every day so we could bond and try to nurse. It was hard. But both Stephen and I were determined to breastfeed. And neither of us wanted me away from my baby for however long I was going to be in the hospital.
These pics came on my Timehop today and they just made me smile. I was so happy to be getting to hold my little man. And clearly Stephen was happy. One of these pics with him and Logan is the pic that Logan sleeps with every night. And it makes my heart happy. Logan was so little. All of a week old.
Being pregnant again has brought back a lot of memories. It was bound to. Good and bad ones. In 6 weeks I’m going to have a other new born. But under entirely different circumstances. My heart has been so happy about this baby. But has also had moments of struggle. I’ve talked to Jonathan about it. About that part of me that is sad. He has hugged me and let me know he understands. The moving forward in life after loss last can be so strange sometimes. We can be so so happy. And yet have that part that still missed the life we had planned that got taken from us. It’s a strange mix of emotions.
I’m also trying to get myself mentally prepared. With the way my body reacted before there is some fear. The doc is making plans around so many what ifs. She has a surgeon on stand by. And we go over the ideas and plan every time we talk. She can tell that while most of me is excited there is still a part of me that is afraid. And that’s ok. I’m allowed to have some fear.
For the most part I’m excited. I saw this pic of Logan so small today and smiled. I am about to hold my 2nd little baby boy. Babies are miracles. The little baby in this pic is now three. And I’m going to get to take a pic of him holding his little brother. I may even try to get a pic of him laying down with his little brother. My mom heart is ready for this next step.
?TWM
#claylojr #lifeafterloss #thatwidowedmom