I really need to brag about this man right here. He is such an amazing partner to have. I feel so lucky. I had a great love and when I lost him I was sure I would never have love again. Never meet someone who matched with me so well. And then I replied to this mans post one day.
I’m on a lot of wid pages. And I’m in a group for woman dating widowers. I’ve seen how petty people get over the late wife. Over any sign that she ever existed. Over the idea that the late spouse is still loved.
Yesterday I took off my wedding ring while on the couch. I didn’t think about it and left it on the end table. Instead of being mad that I wear my old wedding ring he comes and brings it to me to put it back on. No jealousy. No insecurity. Just makes sure I always have the ring Stephen gave me. That’s a good man.
The last two nights my mil (Stephens mom) has been at my house. We didn’t know if they Hurricane was going to hit Houston and she was afraid to be in her house alone. He didn’t even question my telling her she could stay with us. He treats her with the same respect he does with my mom. He understands that even when she is driving me crazy she is still my mil, my family and will always be a part of my life.
This is exactly what I hope every wid finds in a new partner. Someone who is secure in who they are. In their love and relationship. Who isn’t threatened by a dead spouse. Who doesn’t compare or try to compete. Who knows I still think about my late husband and will always love him. And yet they are ok with that and love me. Love isn’t jealous. And he lives that every day.
Jonathan Sterling I love and appreciate you so much babe. Thank you for being my rock. For respecting Stephen and his memory. For wanting to be a true partner in this life. We make a great team and I simply couldn’t ask for more.
?TWM
#lifeafterloss #ch2 #loveafterloss #movingforward #longsterling
Is this your own blog that you keep? I have thought about creating a blog but I’m not sure how to go about it and I would like to be able to help others through what I have experienced and this seems like a way to do that.
Yes it is. I don’t know how it was set up. My boyfriend did it for me. He is very supportive of me having a blog.
I’m sorry you lost your partner and father of your child so tragically. You certainly see things from the side of one that was widowed and you’re fortunate to have a partner who doesn’t mind that you are actively keeping your former partner alive in the present day. The world has all kinds of people and some people are wired to love one person at a time while others have no issue loving multiple people, living or deceased, at any given time. A person who wants to have a relationship of just two people is not insecure or unreasonably jealous. They are simply wired differently from you. Some people are wired to keep one foot in the past, while others are happy for their past experiences and move towards the future without an eye on the past. You see things from the POV of a person who was widowed but you don’t see things from the POV of someone, wired to love only one person, dating a widowed person. Some widowed people cannot make peace with having had a loving and good relationship when they could live fully in the present. Never forgetting but choosing to be grateful for the love they have NOW. It is not fair or kind if you are still deeply attached to your deceased partner to entangle the heart of another person who wants to be in a relationship of two. Take all the time in the world you need or wait for a partner who doesn’t mind if your heart and mind are still attached to someone else. But, please don’t fault someone for not being ready to have less than all of you, your heart and your mind. Don’t fault the person wired to give and receive whole hearts. For most who are grieving, they should do the work to process their grief and wait until they are able to give their heart fully to a new love. I lost two loves, but not to death and if you think it hurt any less or that I forget ANY of it, you’d be sorely mistaken. But society does not support people like me the way they support the widowed. I’m supposed to move on and get over it because no one died. My loss is “less” because we “chose this fate.” No, many of us did not choose to lose loved ones. Consider the pain of losing someone who still walks the earth while you still love them. It is not wrong for anyone to not want to live in a house that’s a shrine to a former love. It is not wrong to expect a partner to make peace with their past relationship and be fully present, taking off their wedding ring (because marriage is until death). If your standards are different and your partner is cool with where you are in your grief and the presence of your former lover in your life, more power to you. But those of us who require a partner who can be fully present in a new relationship are not bad or unreasonable people. We are merely different.
I’m so sorry to hear about your relationships ending. Like you I have also been divorced. And no that wasn’t by my choice. So my perspective is of someone who has been both divorced and widowed. I truly understand how hard divorce is. And when it happened I fell apart. I was sure nothing could ever be worse. For me losing a husband death was worse. For others it isn’t. And this blog is about my widow journey. And my thoughts on that. And yes my thoughts included my perspective as someone who has also been divorced. My ex husband is still alive. He is remarried and they have I think three daughters. I forgave him for what he did to me years ago. I had to for my own peace of mind. Staying in that bitterness wasn’t hurting him. Only me. And I didn’t want to live like that. My fiancé is also widowed. And we keep the memory of his late wife alive too. Out of respect for her and the relationship they had. My home is in no way shape or form a shrine to my late husband. Are there pics? Sure. But I have never put up a shrine. Not my thing. My fiancé did have a shrine to his late wife when we started dating. I made a point of putting pictures up in my home before they ever moved in so that the kids could see pictures of their mother when they were here. And my fiancé had pictures of my late husband out at his house for my son. That way the kids could still have at lease pictures of the parent they lost. I don’t live in grief. I am very happy where I am today. I have made forward steps in life that I am very happy about. Yes hard moments happen. And yes I am honest about them. But that is not the same as living in grief. I do share my story. But to help those going through this journey. So they know that they aren’t the only ones that feel that way. My fiancé and I are fully present in our current relationship. And we are very happy. Having pictures and wearing a ring doesn’t change that. We don’t spend every second talking about them. But we also haven’t tried to erase each other’s past. My fiancé is one of the best things to every happened to my life. I tell him every day how much I love him and how grateful I am to have him as my partner in life. Is our life perfect. No. No relationship is perfect. But he is the perfect partner for me to have in this life. And I am truly blessed to have someone whom I love and loves me back so completely. Unconditionally. Thank you for your opinions and thoughts. I hope you are having a wonderful evening.
Shoshanna99,
It’s not that I believe your viewpoint is wrong, just that I don’t believe someone who has your views ought to be dating a widowed person. It doesn’t seem like a compatible match. It would be like a devout Jew finding themselves a Muslim partner and then trying to convert them, and blaming them for not having been a Jew from the start.
I am not competing with a dead person. I don’t have to worry about my fiance cheating with her late husband. Or giving him money. Or spending time with him that should be spent with me. I have sufficient levels of confidence to accept that I wasn’t the first man in her life – I may have had trouble with that idea at 20, but at nearly 40, I’d be shocked to be someones first.
I have plenty of room in my heart to love both my late spouse and my current love….in much the same way that I am capable of loving all of my children, and both my parents, and my cousins and my friends. I am not *in love* with my wife any longer, she’s dead, and neither needs nor could return my earthly love. But I still mourn her. I still mourn my grandfather who died in 1993, and not only was he not my partner, I actually had less time with him than I did my wife, and he died far longer ago – so it’s entirely expected that I will mourn my late wife, more often and more intensely. But, again, I still have the room in my heart to be present and engaged in my current relationship.
I understand, however, that some widowed persons date too soon. Many do. Many really are just trying to fill a void in their lives. Some will even actively admit it about themselves. But loving my late wife, mourning her death, and keeping her memory alive for my children is not an indication that I don’t belong in a relationship now – it just means I need to be a relationship with someone strong enough, confident enough, understanding enough, to accept that this portion of me will always be a part of who I am as a whole.
Cheers.
Love you babe?