This past weekend I had my worst mom ever moment. Or at least that’s how it feels to me. We went to Jonathan’s brothers to spend the Fourth of July. For the most part the weekend was a lot of fun.
There were four kids, three littles and Keeley, four adults and four dogs. Lots of playing. Even time swimming at the pool. The kids had such big smiles on their faces at the pool. Logan loves having kids to play with and even Keeley smiled and had fun. She took Logan in the pool and they had a blast together.
Then came the fireworks. As the sun went down on the 4th we got out the fun stuff. The kids got to shoot off different kinds of small poppers and wave around sparklers. Logan loved watching the fire Jonathan’s brother built. He loves watching fireworks. After the nearby fireworks had stopped Jonathan and his brother pulled out our big fireworks. Us moms sat in the chairs with the littles as the boys lit the big box that had our fireworks show in it.
One by one the fireworks popped out. Shooting and with a bang. Absolutely beautiful. Logan had such a great smile. Total amazement. Till the last one shot out of the box. That last one didn’t shoot up. It shot out the side. It came directly at me and Logan, who was in my lap. Everything happened so fast and yet so slow. I saw it come right at us and then I saw a flash. I tossed Logan.
I didn’t even have time to think. I just tossed him. He screamed. For a split second my brain panicked. What if he landed on it. I grabbed him off the ground and ran inside. I got him on the couch and looked him over. He wasn’t hurt. It hadn’t hit him. It had, in fact, hit me. But I didn’t know that yet.
Everyone had followed us into the house. All I was thinking was that everyone needed to go away while I looked over my son. They saw he wasn’t hurt and it was pointed out that I was. The firework had hit my foot and ankle. After I knew Logan was ok is when I started feeling the pain. But I didn’t care. I was way too shaken up. Even though I saw that Logan wasn’t hit I kept checking him over. Pulling him in my lap and telling him how sorry I was for tossing him. I started to cry to Jonathan about how I must be the worst mom in the world.
I tossed my child. I told everyone they needed to leave me and Logan alone. They wanted to take care of my foot and I said no. I needed alone time with Logan. I needed to process what just happened and I couldn’t do that with everyone hovering over us. When they were gone I checked Logan again. For like the fifth time. No matter how many times I looked him over I was convinced he had to be hurt.
After a while Jonathan came in and checked on us. Asked me to please let his brother look at my foot. That his brother was a medic and I really needed to let my ankle be looked at. It needed to be cleaned and wrapped. I wanted to cry. I didn’t care if I was hurt. I tossed my child. I deserved any pain I was feeling. Jonathan didn’t agree. I let his brother come in and look at my foot, clean and wrap it.
I listened to Jonathan tell me what he saw. He saw the same bright flash I saw. He saw me toss Logan out of the big flash. As in away from the firework going off on me. He and his brother and his wife all told me I did the right thing. Something blew up on me and I tossed Logan out of what was happening. Their words didn’t help me feel the slightest bit better. My brain just kept repeating I tossed my child. I tossed Logan. If he had landed on it. If something had happened to him. If he was hurt. If he had died……
Worst mom ever. We got Logan and everyone outside while I sat alone with my thoughts for a while. I didn’t want Logan just sitting inside on me and afraid because mama was upset. He wanted to watch the rest of the show. To play. And I wanted that for him. When Jonathan took Logan outside Logan told him “mama has a booboo, we take care of girls.” My little man wasn’t afraid. He was upset because I tossed him, but mostly he was worried about mama who had a “big booboo.”
After a while I went outside and tried to enjoy the rest of the evening. But there was no way I was going to be able to. I sat there for a few min and listened to them talk. I couldn’t get out of my head. I ended up going inside to lay down. Hoping I could fall asleep. But I couldn’t. My brain just kept replaying what happened. I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t. I just looked up asking Stephen to please forgive me. I didn’t mean to do anything that would hurt his child. That had he not left us we wouldn’t even be there.
This is where moving forward can complicate grief. Wanting to yell at your spouse for being gone. Being mad at myself for tossing Logan and mad at Stephen that he isn’t alive and that this was even an option for how my life is now. Even with being happy about my life now. Moments like this your brain goes right to where you would be if your spouse wasn’t dead. You wouldn’t be in Hawaii like normal because of Covid. But you wouldn’t have had a firework hit you and you wouldn’t have tossed your child.
I had to let Stephen know I didn’t mean to scare Logan. That he was ok. No thanks to me. Even with everyone telling me what I did was the right thing. It didn’t matter. I tossed him and he hit the ground. And that makes me the worst mom ever. It’s not rational. I get that. But my brain wasn’t going to be rational right then. I was just so upset with myself. Truly the only person I wanted to hug me and tell me it was ok was Logans dad. I needed to hear him say he wasn’t mad at me and I was never going to get that. None of such thoughts means I don’t love Jonathan.
If something had happened to Logan. All the what if’s. Did he land on it or on the ground. That split second of thinking he landed on it because I saw a flash. Not knowing it had hit me I thought it had hit him. I thought I had tossed my son onto a firework for a split second there. Outside I may have seemed calm and running him inside and checking him out. But inside I was a mess. I thought I had just hurt him. If something were to happen to Logan I wouldn’t be ok. There is no way I would be. I already lost his dad. I CAN NOT take losing him too. There is no way. I would have to be locked in a rubber room. He is my everything. The piece of his dad I have left and can hold. My proof that I had an amazing love. Yes I know that’s a lot. But in that moment of panic those are all the things that I was thinking.
I’ve had days to think about this. Gotten to talk to my therapist. She asked me to look at it differently. If Stephen was alive and I was with him and family and the same thing happened. But it shot at one of the other adult family members and that family member tossed their child, what would I have said to them. Would I have thought they did the right thing in tossing their child out of the way. Yes. Of course I would have thought they did the right thing. Which means somehow, deep down I know I did that right thing.
But man. In that moment I really did feel like the worst mom ever.
?TWM
#twm #claylojr #lifeafterloss #longsterling