Today was a hard day. Those days don’t happen often any more. But that doesn’t mean they never happen.
The reality is that some things make me sad. Or mad. Or some negative feelings. And following that feeling my brain said the one thing I wish it hasn’t.
I miss Stephen. I miss him so much. I miss the life we had together. The family we were building. And I just wanted him to hug me and tell me it was going to be ok.
I got mad at Stephen. For him leaving me here alone with Logan. For thinking I could handle life without him. For thinking I could do this without him.
What this doesn’t mean: that I don’t love Jonathan. That I haven’t found happiness. That I’m not thrilled to be pregnant. That I’m not happy with the forward steps I have made in life.
What this does mean: that I miss Stephen. That adjusting to life without him has been hard. That while I love Jonathan I still have moments where my heart misses what I had.
Grief isn’t like in the movies. You don’t just move on. Find new love and never think of your dead spouse again. That’s not how grief works. And those that claim that’s how it works haven’t dealt with their grief so much as avoided it. At at some point they will have to face it.
This is why I don’t say I’ve moved on. But instead say I am moving forward. Because I didn’t stop loving Stephen. I haven’t stopped missing him. It isn’t center strange in my life anymore. But it is still there. In the background. I move forward. And he comes with me.
And sometimes there is a trigger. And that trigger makes me cry. Makes me miss what I had. The life I had planned that was ripped from me without my ok.
And that’s ok. We are allowed to have those moments. We are allowed to have our feelings. I am allowed to be pissed at Stephen for being gone. As long as I don’t live in the feelings all the time.
Today was a bad day. But tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will make myself get out of bed. Make myself get on my computer and do the work I needed to be doing today. Make myself push past these feelings and live my life. Because I don’t want to be stuck.
Today was bad, but tomorrow will be better.
?TWM
#grifehappens #lifeafterloss
Thank you…today is not a good day and tonight has been even worse. Thank you for this article – one of the ladies in my FB group posted this as part of a response to me. This was a great articulation of my feelings and some questions I’ve been having…
Thanks. I hope it can help.