Today I was asked about still loving Stephen while loving Jonathan. Someone was trying to understand how I could say I love two men. This was my response:
I don’t know how to explain my love for my late husband. It isn’t an active in love because it can’t be returned. He is dead. But I don’t love him any less than I did the day he was killed. I love him like a husband. Not like a friend or other family member. My love for him goes way deeper than that. I don’t tend to miss people. And I’ve always handled death very well. Didn’t cry moved on just fine.
But that wasn’t the case when my husband was killed. A part of me died that day and I couldn’t function for the longest time. We truly had become one. A part of me is still and will always be missing. That’s just a fact of my life. But there isn’t anything I can do about it. I simply learned to live with it.
I am learning the new me. The love I have for Jonathan is different than the love I had with Stephen. They are two different men. And I don’t believe any two loves are the same. I can remember my first love. He is still one of my friends. We broke up in high school. Over the years my love for him changed and it truly is just friendship love now.
But my love for Stephen hasn’t changed like that. I will always love him as more than a friend. He really did show me how to truly love and to let myself be loved by someone. I will always take that with me. And it’s a good thing. Had I not learned about loving someone so much. Truly through thick or thin, better or worse then I would be no good to Jonathan.
I took the love I learned with Stephen and was able to love someone new. Someone once told me that they could see my love in my marriage before by my wanting to have love in my life again. Because I knew how great it was and would never want to forever live without that.
I didn’t date till I knew I was ready. And I think that’s a big thing that could solve lots of issues. I had to be ok with being alone. Get past the idea that no matter how much I loved Stephen he wasnt coming back. And I couldn’t just replace him with someone new.
When I started falling for Jonathan I was very afraid. I don’t want to be widowed again. But he is such an amazing guy. I knew that as much as I don’t want that loss again I also didn’t want to live this life without him in it. So I opened my heart back up and I let myself love again. It wasn’t an easy choice. And it’s one I almost didn’t make. But I didn’t want to miss out on him. I knew I would regret it if I didn’t open my heart up to him.
There is such an ease between us. The love is different than the loves we had in our past. But different doesn’t mean less. We are different people now. We want different things than we wanted at younger ages. This is something we have talked about a lot. We are in love with each other. We are each so different than the late spouse was. It’s impossible to compare the loves.
Every day when I look at my toddler I see his dad. There is no way around it. He is his dads mini me. In looks, expressions, mannerisms, he even walks and dances like his dad. A man he will never even remember because he was an infant when my husband was killed. They even have the same birth mark.
A large part of how I loved my husband has moved into how I love my son. At first looking at my son hurt. I would cry my eyes out when trying to nurse him because all I could see was his dads eyes looking up at me. Now I love when I see his dad in him. It makes me smile. It warms my heart because in a way I still get to see my husband every day. In our son. Who is my world.
And in November I will get to have my child with Jonathan. And I will have a piece of me and him like I have a piece of me and Stephen.
And just as I wouldn’t compare love for a child I can’t compare love for Stephen vs Jonathan. I truly love them both. My heart expanded. And I am grateful for that.
For anyone questioning love after loss I hope this somehow helps. It is possible to love a new partner without having to stop loving your late spouse. It’s amazing how our hearts make space.
?TWM
#lifeafterloss #thatwidowedmom
This is so very well said. Thank you so much for sharing ♡